Recently on the Internet I have read remarkable article about mums for whom a family, children are on the first place also which time most part spend houses. These lines to me have appeared are very close, I absolutely share opinion of the author, therefore I and have decided to share with you. I wait also for your responses on this theme.
As if did not give birth
Taxi drivers – the people garrulous. Quite often ask, than I am engaged. The answer "housewife" causes at one valid: «About! It is work in two changes!», and at others opposite: «And! Do Nothing». The second reaction is characteristic for drivers from the Muslim world. They at all are not afraid to seem the impolite.
Later I have learnt to declare solidly and capaciously: "Translator". Though I worked as the translator from force two times a week for two-three hours. And the rest of the time, without days off and lunch breaks, I was the housewife, mum of two boys-pogodkov for that moment.
Us force kompleksovat. What for work such – mum? Unpresentably. neprestizhno. Unmodernly. Us learn to follow an example such mums, which in a month after a birth of the child already again on work, in fitness club, in the former form. As-as if with a birth of the child has changed nothing. And admiration of girlfriends and acquaintances: «Well it is real, as if did not give birth! The same figure, the same interests, the same working capacity». Gallant, and only. And represent such picture: the Cinderella has waited the prince, and at it nichegoshenki in a life has not changed: the same work, the same appearance, the same interests. Means, princes nevertheless urged to change our life radically. And children?
«I have absolutely fallen: I sit at home with the child», - the scientific employee is justified. Well, it how to understand. Someone falls, and someone and rises.
One acquaintance perfectly provided with the husband, all time with it competed, being wounded by its successes. «I do not wish to take a surname of the husband and on it to depend. I wish to achieve own success, to glorify an own surname».
In general I come to conclusion, that the feminism is a big inferiority complex. Well what for continually to shout about the equality? Here than did not suffer never. Well I do not feel myself worse the man. Well than, tell, a hand vtorosortnej feet? Or an ear more low on advantage, than an eye? What for it equality? They simply different. Equally necessary. And if in a man's field I do modest successes, really it is necessary to mourn about it? To me on female to be realised. Well it is pleasant to me, my field. And always it was pleasant. My boys feel it and speak: «Ah, as it is a pity, that only mums can feed kids». What? They see, that pregnancy and feeding of the child do not weigh me, and opposite, I am executed secrets and I seem them a being mysterious.
It is possible to learn, likely, feet to play the piano. And what for? It is possible to hammer a microscope in nails, whether yes there are not enough hammers for this purpose? I consider mum's work demanding special ability and qualification in comparison with which a piece of paper in firm to touch – that nails zakolachivat, the big mind it is not necessary.
And here that the character of the Chekhovian story thinks in this occasion:
«Men in a house life are thoughtless, live mind, instead of heart, do not understand much, but the woman understands all. All depends on it. To it it is much given, from it much and it will be collected. About the darling if it was in this respect sillier or weaker than the man the God would not entrust it education of boys and girls».
The god has entrusted, instead of has hung, has not punished thus, has not forced it to do, because of the best is not capable.
The most important is a female happiness
Among my girlfriends and acquaintances there are two poles. On one pole – mother of four children, the wife of the professor who considers, that if speech does not go about an elementary survival (such cases is not considered) a crime from mother to come to work and deprive children of parent care. Other pole – it is clear, that it from itself(himself) represents, and there – the majority. «I do not wish eyelids to stay at a plate, I want samorealizovatsja, samovyrazitsja, and t.d». I somewhere in between two poles, but gravitate to the first.
Especially the self-realisation question interests me. What it is understood as it? Obviously, self-realisation for the violinist – music, for the cosmonaut – space, for the writer – the literature. And so on. But here any violinist, blood from a nose wants! – to be realised in medicine. And the writer to become famous as the sea captain. If the person versatile it will find itself(himself) in various areas. But to distort the nature – whether it is necessary?
Why the woman should be ashamed of what wishes to be realised as mum?
Has heard about the woman who successfully raising six children and has not thrown the favourite mathematics. Has shared admiration with mum. «And what here especially surprising? I always spoke: the talented person is talented in all!»
On the third year of a marriage has called the favourite teacher, unusually talented and excentric woman. Being the teacher of phonetics, she guessed much on a voice. «Wait, - she has told to me when I was presented, - do not speak anything. I to you now will tell all, and you will tell, the rights I or was mistaken. Means so. First, you have had hair cut. How I have learnt? Same it is elementary: at you a voice svezhepodstrizhennoj women! Secondly, has revealed as the person. Would tell to me, that you will call me sometime – for what would not believe. At institute you were closed, always in yourself. Married, children are. How many children? Two boys? So, still the girl it is necessary to us. I have not given birth in due time to the girl, all life I regret. More shortly, here that I to you will tell: the most important is a female happiness. All the rest – nonsense, you can believe to me».
Certainly, there are mothers who do not have the support, which one raise kids. There are situations where the unique exit is to go to mum to work. But is much more often it is a question not of an elementary survival, not about the beggarly salary of the husband. And all about the same – about self-realisation. About runaway from the house for work not to clink glasses. To limiting the world to the house which has become permeated with the smell kakashkami and a dairy mix.
One acquaintance who has given birth in thirty seven years first and the only child, told with laughter as escaped for work since morning before and only there relaxed, brushed the hair, easy drank coffee and came to the senses.
Another admitted, that giving the first child in a day nursery, did not reflect at all on other variants: it was necessary to write the dissertation and to open the way in a life. With the second has suddenly dawned: the child – not a toy. It cannot be "handed over". They should be engaged seriously. Professionalism of private nurses and workers of child care centres is not a guarantee of successful development of the child.
When I have told on chair that I leave in the decree, zavkafedroj have told: «Ah, it uzha … I wish to tell, perfectly!» Also has sadly lifted eyes to a ceiling. But all was settled, to me have found replacement. When I declared the second decree, not leaving from the first, she has cheerfully told: «Well and well done Now by a science it is proved: till three years it is impossible for anybody to hand over the child. Mum's kisses and embraces – everything, that is necessary for it first three years».
I remember, what lomka at me was with the first child. A shock: I any more do not belong to myself. The first quiet cup of coffee and article in magazine in a month after sorts. Desire to live for itself. Postnatal depression. So it was a pity itself favourite. With the second all was easier, more cheerful, without a shock. The understanding has started to come with the third kid.
I enjoyed each minute of dialogue with it without any art exaggerations.
Recently read, that scientists have ostensibly found out a stream … I do not love this word, but anywhere will not get to, the energy stream, the beams starting with parent eyes and getting directly in a brain of the child, and a brain from it starts to develop at once strenuously, and other. I do not know, whether it is possible to find out the beams of love streaming from mum's eyes by means of devices, but after all measure - do not measure, and the love mum's streams through a sight. Also has powerful influence on soul, mind, heart, mentality of the child. It is possible to limit this irradiation to love to evening and morning short-term sessions, and the rest of the time to irradiate the child mentally on work. If time and the chief not the harmful allows. It as a photophilous plant periodically to take out on light. Anybody does not deprive light plant! Here, in the morning on it have lighted. Here, and in the evening too. That still it is necessary for it? And try to explain it to a plant. I hope, it will understand. And then compare this plant to another, growing on the sun always.
I like one short word in arguments of the women aspiring for work without need, and even contrary to the husband. Try to guess it.
The reason number one: Till three years to sit houses - I mind would get under way.
The reason number two - me are necessary the sources of earnings.
The reason number three - to work interestingly.
The reason number four - I want samorealizovyvatsja not only as mother and the housewife.
“Sitting at home I degrade as the person, one continuous day of a marmot“ turns out.
“I would leave, if only not to see family which to me is absolute obrydlo“.
All aforesaid unites a capacious word "I" and its derivatives. I want, it is necessary to me, at me requirement. Desires and requirements of the child are not considered basically.
The baby nine months of veins in mum, and suddenly should remain with strangers. Separation from mum the chest child worries as accident. For it there is no concept of time. He does not understand, that separation vremenna, for it it is eternal. Still somewhere read, that people, nedoljublennye in the early childhood mum, not nursed, are more inclined to sex at teenage age. It not because of special depravity, and because of aspiration to tenderness, love, security. I do not know, this opinion is how much proved, but it seems to me, in it something is.
By the way, it seems to me, the imperious mother-in-law or the annoying mother-in-law mums who have not realised the pedagogical potential in due time become faster. Now, with grandsons, at last, has reached. It would be desirable to learn pleasure of motherhood. Better late, than never. «The first child – last doll, the first grandson – the first child».
And here other point of view from the same forum:
“To me the variant when mum comes to work is not clearest, thus all earned money gives on the nurse.
I wish to care of the child all put term and after to come to work, instead of forcedly to search for another's aunt who should replace me with the most part of days and in the important points of a life of my child.
Simply now it is fashionable to work, and to do career, and it is not fashionable to be with the child when you are necessary to it most of all. To my grandmother 80 - it works till now … I to work the beginnings in 18, being in parallel trained on internal branch. From 62 years of work, in my opinion it is quite possible to allocate 3 for the child … by the way, mum - not equally housewife, for some reason all all time confuse. ”
Force-majeur financial situations I do not take, it is other theme. And here the variant when the financial need is not present, too especially is not present desire of self-realisation, but the woman would like “to live beautifully” and it for the sake of it ostavljaeet the three-monthly child, it seems to me vile and disgusting.
“For last three years work has got me _так _, that the enemy will not wish. Slept for four hours a day and ate that it is necessary and when it is necessary - now in the decree though to the person it is similar stala:-)
samorealizovyvatsja it is quite possible both houses. The truth and concept about self-realisation at all a miscellaneous.
It is purely Russian stereotype - you sit at home - the stupid hen, uninteresting to the husband and associates means.
I consider, that the majority is torn to work because cannot itself anything interesting occupy the at home. In community "kids" often enough from such mums type questions “proceed Than to occupy the child?”.
Weak people always search for the external reasons of the problems.
And why it is necessary to sit houses if on work to go it is not necessary? On the contrary, at idle much more time for all entertainments. Or personal development occurs only in idle talk to girl-friends? ”
And here have recollected, that children there is more than one:
Hm, associates, and what you suggest to do to mums of 2 or more kids? About a wall to be killed? I joke.
Judging by comments, such mums should put on career zhi-and-irnyj a definitive cross or it will be hung up on an apron.
Tactics of a survival of the house
And still bezvylaznoe domosedstvo leaves sometimes an unpleasant mark on women: memory, flexibility of mind can worsen, the self-estimation is underestimated, the circle of interests is narrowed, depression can develop. Situations at all very different, and panaceas from these misfortunes are not present, though it is possible to try to deduce general provisions. The first. It is desirable to feel from the very beginning of home life itself a high-grade member of a family. It is good to realise the nedostoinstvo before the God, instead of before the husband. Only most vyskoorganizovannye men are capable to estimate wives above, than they estimate themselves.
Yes, the wife the assistant to the husband, and its work is not less important and should be respected first of all to her. When at the woman everything is all right with the self-respect surrounding it as a rule it is transferred. Not small selling who is better and more important, and quiet consciousness of own force and the importance. Unfortunately, I know examples when the woman silently agrees, that it – simply appendage of the husband which it is possible at desire without serious consequences to remove. Know a situation when the inferiority complex is inspired to the woman. It is financially dependent – means, the parasite.
Having reconciled to such estimation of the husband or the mother-in-law, the woman can understand indeed itself the parasite. To years to fifty it can bother, yes try, dump a yoke voluntary accepted thirty years ago. Not to get to such situation, it is necessary not to admit it from the very beginning. Simple arithmetics to the aid comes: work of the cook, the servant and the nurse costs now very expensively. Analysts have considered, that if to pay to the average housewife for each post which it carries out in-home (the nurse, chamber, the bookkeeper etc.) it should receive 47280 rivers in a month.
Idle mum, by the way, has more time to master difficult art of planning of the family budget. At times it finds brilliant variants, and to save – means, to earn. In general, what such matrimony? About a harness. The husband with the wife carry vozok. Both, and kiddies. Here not before disputes, who glavnej. Both are irreplaceable. The more harmoniously carry, the is easier it goes.
The second. It is necessary to have any hobby, a hobby. Reading, sports, embroidery, music, cultivation of colours, cats – everything. It does not mean, that it is necessary to put on it weight of forces and time. To feed it, it is enough to be engaged in favourite business let a little, but it is regular.
The third. Presently it is a lot of possibilities, by means of the Internet distances are overcome. By own experience I know, that participation in forums on interests helps: there are forums of young and skilled mums, literary communities, various virtual clubs. It doesn't matter, if mummies in a court yard do not accept in the company or their society to you is uninteresting. Always it is possible to find the congenial person, let and virtually.
The third. But also I would not neglect live human dialogue. Let the neigbour in which tells that you heard for a long time. All the same it the lovely woman, and for the child can look, while you on the market will run.
The fourth. As fire avoid an inferiority complex. If there is a possibility to master the computer, to learn to write electronic messages, to drive the car, to learn to float – it is necessary to use this chance. No, you not a numskull and not the coward. You the clever, capable young woman. And I too. In this connection I promise to go on driving school which with topographical kretinizmom, bad sight and weak reaction to death I am afraid. Sorry, you did not hear it. The mechanic has advised to me for the best orientation to districts to do a bit of travelling on mastered roads at first on a bicycle. So I take great the husband and I start to go round vicinities. Join!
The fifth. Regular razgruzhenie mums from house routine and its periodic release on will the nurse, the grandmother, the girlfriend and the other person approaching for this purpose. Do not hasten to shower me with tomatoes those to whom it is inaccessible. To me it is the most part of a married life too it is inaccessible. We live far from grandmothers, and nurses bite. That is the prices for nurses. But also here it is possible to find a way out. For example, mutual assistance of girlfriends with children: you to me, I to you. Though once on the such has burnt. «You to me» have appeared incomparably easier, than «I to you». But it is necessary to try still.
The sixth. To get a rule to give itself small rest. For example, at my acquaintance is not present and never was money for the nurse, but she had a rest in own way: every day walked for forty five minutes. One, without the restless child. In any weather. Otherwise simply became limp. Despite reigning in a family domostroj, she has forced the husband to respect this iron and strict rule. And is better could not invent. The husband has appeared the person clever, besides saw daily fruits of such moral unloading and physical activity. The wife awarded its big patience and endurance in unequal to fight with a life and the little son – the natural leader red-skinned.
By the way, the Jewish joke. Mum having many children from the market and zapershis on kitchen comes, is quiet and with taste eats. Children break on kitchen, knock and ask: «Mums, and what you I will give you do?» Mum answers: «I Do to you healthy mum!»
When I meet at forums pathos statements of young maidens that «children cannot bother present mum, she should think every minute only of them, forget about herself», I calculate at once: eighteen years, not married. Also I think: «E-e, the darling! Live about mine! I too was as you. And you, possibly, will be, as I. If you can realise that you demand from us – I the first to you will clap».
The seventh. It is not necessary to wait for favour by nature, or rescue of the rolling rolling a handwork. If you are romantic and wait, that the husband will arrive as the hero of the novel or a serial, you can wait till an old age and be disappointed in people. Take the initiative. You have got tired, it is urgently necessary for you on a concert or at cinema, and the spouse of it does not notice. You hint, and it does not catch a hint. In that case do not wait with insult for the invitation. Will invite him! Buy tickets, agree with the girlfriend to sit with children, have a rest. The husband will estimate. It is checked up.
The eighth. Try not to wait a work involving all hands, and to warn him. Here it is saved, saved, saved … do not wait, slozha hands when will burst. I understand: there is no money, there is no time, for to spend somehow awkwardly, there are more essential needs … If has absolutely got, more essential needs than to have a rest, no. It is necessary to understand and reconcile it. Once our elderly friend with the big family experience has found me on the verge of failure. I have complained, that we cannot note day of wedding at all since the nurse plus road plus of cafe it is very expensive. On what he has answered: «the Psychiatrist is more expensive».
Mums sitting in four walls have tactics of a survival of the house. At everyone it the. When I covered with depression apropos bezvylaznogo of sitting in four walls, have complained to the father, he has said remarkable words: « Only do not think, that here it and is your cross. If the situation is absolutely intolerable, it is necessary to think how to change it ». On many salutary changes in a kind of nurses and regular rest together with the husband it was not elementary money, but I continued to search. Not in one so in other it is necessary to try to change a situation and to make its comprehensible. When children have grown up, I was arranged to work as the translator-frilanserom. Then began to give and written translations. Later the situation has changed, we have moved, translators there were not necessary. I have found an unexpected way out: visiting of courses of times in a week. On Wednesday evening you dress up, communicate in a society of adherents, you get acquainted with interesting people, you receive the task for following employment, and all the week long heats thought: employment is fast, it is necessary to make a homework, to offer a theme for discussion, to read that, to write it … And here already clean a potato not as the slave, and from songs. You do sketches from children and you are surprised new, suddenly opened in them. And with inspiration you do with them a small house of a box from under corn-flakes, you write article «About developing properties of a cardboard». And children ask: «Mums why you sing? A holiday, whether that?» And all it without a separation from children, without nanimanija nurses.
I do not consider, that my received higher education goes to waste, that I go bad at home, and that my professional skills become covered by a mould. On the contrary, I try all received by me in a life to pump over in children. I learn to their everything, that I know itself. Here the average sonny aches, that to it it is boring, and I try to open to it a secret why I seldom miss. «That can be more boring than washing of ware or potato cleaning? But I try to be engaged never in routine"dry". I either sing, or I compose the story in a head. Even, happens, I throw the computer and specially I go to wash ware: behind monotonous work interesting thoughts» come. He too likes to write, everywhere I find its notebooks, notes, diaries and leaflets. That will please since morning before an opus on a theme «Trees in our life» I take out from school trousers a leaflet with an inscription: « George's memories. Thanks George. You were the real friend ». It appears, buried unintentionally crushed ladybird. He has composed a gravestone word. That I will come across a superconfidential diary with the ciphered records. I will not hide – I rejoice. Something already has had time to put in pawn. Now to water, dig round …
With the senior went on a concert. And suddenly I understand – we have already reached the moment when you have a rest not from the child, and together with it. In the second branch it has stuck me sideways. "Has begun", - obrechenno I have thought. And the sonny has asked: «Mums, still tickets you will buy?»
Met the former fellow students. Eleven years did not see. Many our ladies have held the important posts, realised itself in the most unexpected and interesting areas. Stay-at-home was two: I and Lena. We with interest listened to successful girlfriends, admired with photos, dresses and cars. But I have understood what to pay for it it is necessary expensive price: many our little girls live in improbably rigid rate, chronically do not get enough sleep, see children a little. And I all got accustomed to Lena. It sat silently-silently. A photo has shown only one. At it a remarkable family, surprisingly innocent child. About herself she almost told nothing. I have guessed, why. That nobody envied.
One acquaintance has shared: «my Father was the visible scientist, much has achieved, but anything, absolutely shared nothing with us, sons. To us to it in general affairs were not. It was realised. And we?»
Look more attentively at yours karapuza. Here it with interest considers piramidku, starting up bubbles from a nose. Or artly smears jam on a table. Or beats a leg in a step to music. Perhaps, before you the future Mendeleyev, Rakhmaninov, Stolypin. Will not gape? Will notice? Will help?
). And once the girlfriend has advised to send me the most successful recipes with photos in magazine «I Like to prepare!», publishing houses Burda Moden – for the published recipe edition pays the fee at a rate of 500 r, is there and larger sums: 800 r for the menu of a high-grade dinner which it is possible to prepare on 300 rivers
